I’ve always wanted to have my own blog but I have a brain that overthinks everything and honestly at this point it’s telling me nobody is reading anymore but you know what… I’m okay with that… like my caption says this is mainly for my own entertainment. I’ve been dealing with a lot of stuff lately and rather than bottle it all in and fall into a very long vortex I can never leave, I choose to type it out and dump it in cyberspace.
Today I went to church and my pastor has this tendency to try and get us to talk to the person next to us and say really random things. There was a guy next to me close to my age and my brain automatically thinks “He’s gonna think I’m weird, well because I am weird.” so he (pastor) makes us tell them that we appreciate them, he makes us hug them and this whole time he (the guy next to me) is stating everything clearly and being a good sport and I’m over here mumbling trying to get it over with… I hate talking to new people and I hate even more when I’m out in public in a big group. I am terrified of this! Anyway… fast forward to when church is ending and God is here convicting me that maybe he (the guy next to me) thought I wasn’t friendly when in actuality I was just terrified LOL. He ends up getting up and starts to walk out and I’m trying to motivate myself to apologize because I don’t know what he’s going through and I don’t want him to get the wrong impression. I’m speed walking behind him as fast as I can (my legs are super sore since I barely started going back to the gym) and finally catch up to him. I gather all my strength and say “Hey I’m sorry. I’m just really shy.” then he responds that its ok (meaning I was being as awkward as I thought) and he goes on to tell me this was his first time back in a year. I’m glad I apologized because I’m pretty sure he thought I was rude when I really am just super shy. Now he doesn’t have to think that this girl next to him was stuck up. But he probably still thinks I’m super awkward… Anyway… thanks God for the boldness to assure I apologized and got over my shyness.
BTW… If you don’t know me and these words are your impression of me you should read my bio 🙂 I typed this before actually writing my bio so I hope there’s a section for a bio somewhere if not then I’ll have to make another post..
Other random thing that happened today.. I started crying on my drive home because it was foggy… God speaks to me in images and He told me that my brain looks like that… foggy, difficult to find myself, but still clears up as I get closer to Him which in this case was represented by me getting closer to my physical house. As I got closer it cleared up then I decided I wanted to start writing again. I used to write poems all the time and I want to get back to that and on that note… here’s a little something:
Fog. The haze I’m stuck in like grey matter within my skull
I sit and wonder how I got this way. How my brain got so full
How did I manage to fill all vacancies
and create a universe only I can see
A universe where I’m no longer me
But I’m that which I thought I’d never be
in the mist… in the midst… in the fog.
Who am I. Why am I.