So I had one of those days… a horrible day. A day I thought would be a turning point for the better became a mentally draining mentally exhausting day. I am going to be super transparent with you (my one reader sitting at home bored) I got diagnosed with depression. I feel like I knew I had it but hearing a doctor tell you is a whole other story. My diagnosis was that I was just stressed and tired. But honestly now that I admit it and am seeking help it makes sense. Anyway… I saw a therapist and she suggested I see a psychiatrist to get something that can regulate the chemical imbalance in my brain that makes me want to cry at everything stressful and even cry for no reason at all. I had gone to urgent care to just get medicine for migraines and then she started asking me other questions which led me to where I am now…
So fast forward to today I was excited that I’m finally going to get my mind back to normal and maybe gain control of my life again. I get there and they tell me that I’m actually scheduled to see a psychologist not a psychiatrist. I don’t really like talking to strangers (as you learned in my last post) so having to talk and share my feelings with yet another stranger was not something I was excited about. The first psychologist I had seen was supposed to send the paperwork so I would just be fast forwarded to a psychiatrist… I had been excited to finally be getting help and this was a major setback for me. It felt like I was never going to get help… I’m sitting there crying in the waiting room because I honestly feel like I have no control over my life… I feel like I’m gasping for air and also feel tired, anxious, have migraines and I just cry all the time. I still want help badly so I stick around and see what they will tell me and they say I have to start over and see a therapist first to be seen at Kaiser (even though Kaiser sent me to the partner psychologist because they were booked). I feel bad because the psychologist seems nice and her office is really cute but I know that talking to her is only going to make me feel nice for a few hours then I get to go home and cry about it when all the feelings come back. I tell her this and she sees my struggle and agrees that I should have been scheduled directly to a psychiatrist and she says she will refund my copay because they just need to get the paperwork transferred. I end up having to leave with an appointment not available until next Tuesday.
What upsets me most is that I feel the way I feel and I wonder about the people who are at the stage where they don’t feel like they want to live and they are thinking about taking matters into their own hands. I am Christian and don’t believe in ending my own life but honestly I’ve prayed that I don’t wake up the next day because I feel like there’s no solution. As I type this I’m in tears because I know my God’s heart is crushed at this. He cares and loves me so much and it hurts me to disappoint Him. I want so badly to be better. To feel better. To be myself. I hope that if you are seeking help and they do this to you that you stick to getting better. I hope that in a month or so you read the post that day and see that I got help and I feel better.
Anyway.. explanation of the title… I am a HUGE hopeless romantic and in every RomCom I see the girl go and eat a tub of ice cream and I’m so down in the dumps that I walk to Walmart to search for ice cream… (I’m lactose intolerant so I need lactose free) Walmart doesn’t have it… so off I go to Target and lo and behold there it is Vanilla Lactose free ice cream. I personally like strawberry but vanilla is literally all they have in big tub size and I think if I’m gonna do this I need to do it exactly like the movies and get the little tub. The peanut butter was to add some flavor and it’s actually pretty bomb. I like peanut butter even in my acai bowls. But the ice cream actually helped a lot.
So here’s a poem about ice cream…
The coldness overcomes my body as I take in all of what you give
I have grown cold to the thought of ever being well
disappointment hovers like a dementor waiting to suck all happiness out of me
I reach out to grab you in hopes you help, in hopes you fill that void
With every breath I sense you helping mold me as you melt away
Melt my sadness Melt my worry
even if only for a little while, bring that smirk, that smile
Tuesday doesn’t seem too far away
I reset my clock to look forward to a new date
Not today, Tuesday.. Tuesday is the day my life will change
Give me back my warmth
My warm fuzzy blanket
Lactose free Vanilla with added flavors
Do me a solid allow me this favor
Keep me strong til Tuesday with your peanut butter coated delicious flavor