My heart. Lately I feel like it is completely independent of what my mind is feeling. Lately it has gotten so overwhelming to even explain myself to people that I find myself just giving up on wanting to communicate. Its weird because the logical person in me knows a few things…
- Most of what I am feeling is hormonal.
- The way I am in my head is not the way others see me.
- The way God loves. Oh my, this last one. I know it so well that honestly it is what keeps me going and what gives me purpose and what draws me back to being strong for Him, for His kingdom, His glory.
- I love immensely. Even the people who wrong me. I am a person who forgives and I try to see good in people. I hate the pressure of society trying to say that we need to shy our love for people. It has been said that we should not be so naive, not be so trusting, keep your guard up, be independent. Why? Why are people being constantly fed that we should be careful. Let’s just love people. As an added note, this does not apply when it is a situation that would put your mental and emotional health at risk.
I fight an urge to be lazy and to not care and to push people away because it is sometimes so exhausting to do certain things. Let me be real, it’s hard to build someone up when your own emotions are the ones yelling at you inside your head. You want so badly to ask them to help you but you can’t be the person to break down in front of them especially when they need you. Sometimes it’s not someone you are that close with but it also comes down to what someone expects to be normal. No one wants to be around someone who is hurting. No one wants to help someone get through something. In all honesty it’s all a cycle. We all fight the things in our heads and we all get exhausted.
The headaches. The headaches make my body feel like it cannot withstand the immense weight of all the gears turning all the data trying to connect with itself. There are things piling up and it feels over-worked.
My mind. The chaos in my mind. The short temper. The snapping at someone.
The split second after.
The guilt. My heart feels so much slower than my mind almost like it has a delay in it. The second I have said something wrong and I replay the happy moments… side note: Am I the only one who guilts themselves even more by remembering how good someone is o me?…Back to the guilt. The guilt is made in my mind which has this superpower to overthink everything.
A side note. This morning in my morning ritual Adrianne talked about habits. She wanted us to retain our breath for as long as we could so that we could tell ourselves what it feels like to see if we do it. I do it quite a bit apparently. I think this is where the headaches come from.